As more and more of my writing gets published on the web, and my website URL gets spread around, more and more people are finding my Skype username and ask to be added to my contact list. This is becoming more and more common, and although I welcome all visitors and all conversations, there simply isn't the time in the day to chat to everyone and give them the time they deserve. Skype is a delicate balancing act to follow in that you want contacts & conversation but on the other hand, you have to subtly and diplomatically say to them sometimes that you need to go, that you have work to do, that it's nothing personal.....inevitably some people get upset such as the countless Chinese people wanting free English lessons for example.

So here are my Skype rules for your edification (and perhaps amusement). Perhaps other Skype users can identify with some of these. It's a pity things have come to this but there you go. That's the nature of the internet for you.

1. Before getting in touch, check my status message. If it says AWAY or NOT AVAILABLE then that means I am away from the computer and therefore unable to respond to your many messages asking "WHERE ARE YOU? WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER ME? YOU'RE SO ANTI-SOCIAL!". Hey, if I'm at Aldi buying my food shopping, how am I supposed to answer my Skype calls and chats? ESP? If I am sitting on the toilet reading the newspaper, am I supposed to get an internet connection set up in the bathroom so you don't have to wait? Status messages are there for a reason!!

2. By the same token, "DO NOT DISTURB" means I am in a situation where I can't answer because I have to concentrate on something or I have visitors or I am on the phone. That means Skype will hold all my messages until I indicate I am back. Again, don't start ranting because I don't answer you within 10 seconds.

3. If I am offline, then I am probably in bed and again unable to answer you. I really have to sleep at night. Don't take it personally.

4. If I am slow to respond or I have to go, again please don't take it personally. I do have other things to do. I have work and personal projects / obligations. Plus family and friends. Plus I do like to go outside every once in a while. If I suddenly go, I'll be back later. Count on it.

5. Anyone wanting free English lessons shouldn't contact me. As a professional English tutor, why should I shoot myself in the foot by giving away my services for free? Would you expect a plumber to fix your washing machine for free or a lawyer to defend you for free? There isn't any difference with an English tutor! If you want paid Skype English lessons then fantastic! But don't expect a 2 hour phone call for free. I just won't do it (unless you're a good pal of mine).

6. If requesting to be added to my contact list, please explain who you are, where you heard of me and why you want to be added to my contact list. Until you do that, I don't know if you are a lovely or a loonie. I don't understand people who send anonymous authorisation requests! Am I supposed to rub my crystal ball and suddenly be presented with your life history?

7. If leaving messages on my voicemail, please keep the message succinct - name, contact number and reason for calling. Please don't start reading War & Peace over the line. Any message that lasts longer than 2 minutes gets deleted at the 120 second mark.

8. I won't accept file transfers via Skype unless a) I know you and trust you or b) you tell me what the file is first and why I should accept it.

9. All my Skype calls are recorded in MP3 format and all my chats are logged permanently. So remember that before you start cursing me and giving me a hard time because you disagree with something I wrote. All MP3 calls and logged chats are admissable as evidence in court! I have a very thick skin (you have to be as a writer) but I won't accept outright abuse, death threats (yes, I've had quite a few in my time) and threats to come round to my house "for a little visit". When that starts, I start logging IP addresses and collating the evidence for the police. And I do press charges if necessary.

10. Don't try to scam me on Skype as I've heard it all before and I have a great, well-developed BS detector. You'd be amazed (or perhaps not) at how many "Nigerian princes" and "jailed dissidents" get in touch wanting me to get their money out of the country in return for a "fee". The "jailed dissidents" still haven't been able to answer how they can Skype me from inside prison!


So that's about it.