I got a surprise when I checked my email recently. I wrote an Amazon review of "The Spanish Game" by Charles Cumming and when I checked my email in Edinburgh last week, I found an email from Mr Cumming himself, thanking me for my review. I suddenly felt guilty about criticising the endings of his last two books!

We've exchanged another email since then and he seems to be a really nice guy. Very chatty and personable. I'm planning to send him my copy of The Spanish Game for his autograph.

Isn't it nice when an author takes time out from their busy schedule to acknowledge their fans? Unlike Martin Cruz-Smith who rudely rebuked me when I emailed him and asked him for an autograph. His reply was "you want my photo? Buy one of my books then - my photo is on the back page!". Very condescending and rude. Since then, I haven't felt very inclined to read any of his books. His bad attitude left a sour taste in my mouth.

But like Mr Cumming, some authors really make the effort to connect with their readers. I've had some very pleasant communication with Ken Follett and Frederick Forsyth. Jack Higgins was very charming at a book signing back in 1997. The now-deceased Spike Milligan was an absolute riot at a book signing in 1998.

I think I might start trying to get in touch with some authors and see if they can be bothered to write back. I may start with John Connolly and Dan Brown.

This will probably shortly get taken down by YouTube so watch it while you can! Marge Simpson Googles herself and discovers Homer doing some naked sunbathing on Google Earth!

Stardate Friday 27 April 2007. Captain's Personal Log. For those of you who have been snoring their way through these past few days, you'll be relieved to learn that this is the final entry in the Scotland personal log. For today, Friday 27th April, is "going home" day.

Our flight back to Germany was at 1.45pm so that gave us plenty of time to lie in bed for a while longer and finish our packing. Tanya the dog also wanted to give me a going away present - a clump of her hair as well as a big saliva kiss. I can't describe how horrible it is to be kissed by a dog whose main hobby is licking her bottom. But hey, it's the thought that counts!

Mothers being mothers, we got sent off to the airport by my mum with packed lunches big enough to feed an entire army. Since airport security wouldn't approve of us taking food onto the plane (that baguette could be a bomb you know), we decided to sit in the departures lounge of Edinburgh airport and eat our banquets. But on the way there, I was ambushed by a walking mince pie. It turns out that today is the first day of a new restaurant in the airport lounge so to celebrate, they've got people dressed up as mince pies, going around handing out free food!!! So as well as our packed lunches, we also had free snacks from the restaurant! So we ate our fill of food and drink and then felt mighty sick afterwards!

No holiday would be totally complete without a visit to the airport bookshops. Seven new books are not enough so I decided to hit the shops and buy a couple more. Yes, I admit it, my name's Mark and I'm a book addict. After a severe assault on the credit card limit, I walked out of the bookshop with two new books - a fiction book by Michael Connolly and a complete history of Scotland by Magnus Magnusson - and then Monika and I started to make our way towards security to go through to the plane.

But wait! I still have British money and it needs to be changed. I notice a Bureau De Change in the corner and so I head over. I see the sign above the teller which says "we pride ourselves on our customer service!" so I decide to test it. He asks me how much I have to change and I say 10.50 pounds. I then give him 10.50 pounds - in coins. The teller's smile falters for a bit as he looks at the coins and asks me in a forced cheery voice if I have any banknotes. I say "nope! just coins!" and to top it off, I nod towards his sign about their pride in their customer service. He sees the sign then looks at me then smiles again and takes the coins. "No problem sir" he says through gritted teeth. While I am waiting for my Euros, I am standing next to an old lady whom I tell about how the customer service at this exchange bureau is "simply wonderful!" Meanwhile, the teller has lost count and he needs to start again. I hear him muttering some stuff under his breath. It's good to see a man hard at work.

After collecting my Euros, we head towards security and there we hit a major snag. We have too much hand luggage which translated means "Mark, you have too many damn books!". The woman looks in my bag and even comments "wow, you like books don't you?". Monika stands and looks daggers at me saying "yes, he does doesn't he? Grrrrr!". But then the woman, in a pique of generosity reveals a loophole - if I take the books through in a bag, I'll be turned back. But if I go through with the books under my arm, I'll be let through. Don't ask me the logic of that policy but there you go. We ditch the bag and I walk through looking like an overworked university professor. I also got a rather obtrusive and thorough body search by a hot female security officer which was rather pleasant - she almost made me drop my books! "Zap me again with that metal detector thing! Yeah! Up there! Oooohh!"

The plane was on time which bode well. For once, we were near the front of the plane so we managed to get a glimpse of first class and see the champage being handed out (oh one day.....). Meanwhile we had to be content being squashed up like sardines drinking orange juice and eating what was allegedly a ham sandwich.

As the plane coursed around the runway of Edinburgh Airport and prepared to take off, the heavens opened up, the clouds parted and the sun came out! Bloody typical!

So as the plane took off heading in the direction of Frankfurt, I opened up the flight magazine and saw an article about Scottish Gaelic culture. It had a traditional drinking toast which I think is an appropriate ending to this holiday diary :

Here's to all those that I love.
Here's to all those that love me.
And here's to all those that love those that I love,
And all those that love those that love me.


THE END
Copyright Mark O'Neill 2007. Any unauthorised copying will result in a kick in the balls.

Stardate Thursday 26 April 2007. Captain's Personal Log. For our last day in the strange galaxy known as Scotland, we have decided to beam down to a couple of places famous in Scottish history and which have also been made famous in a movie production called Braveheart, made by a strange man called "Mel Gibson". This day will prove to be quite interesting.....

I've always cursed the fact that I was never taught about British / Scottish history at school. I mean, I was a Scottish student at a Scottish school but I wouldn't know Rabbie Burns if he came up to me in the street and shook my hand. I could name you the contentious points of the 1919 Treaty of Versailles or why the Battle of the Somme failed in 1916 but ask me a question about Robert the Bruce or Bonnie Prince Charlie and I would be breaking out in cold sweats. That's like an American not knowing anything about George Washington or a Russian not knowing who the hell that Lenin bloke was. In other words, quite embarrassing. I shall need to fix this little problem.....

We drove through to Stirling in the morning and on the way we stopped at Bannockburn, site of a famous Scottish victory against the English. Despite this, the only thing most Scottish people know about Bannockburn is that we kicked the ass of the English so when there is an England / Scotland football match, they can sing "Remember Bannockburn you fucking English b**tards!" (it's quite a simple kind of song but quite influential in getting an English person to break a beer bottle over your head). Being me, I wanted to get past the basic stereotypes and prejudices so it was time for a visit to the battlefield.....

However to call it a battlefield today would be to pay it a huge compliment. Needless to say it is now a well developed piece of land with houses in the distance. Whenever you turn up at places like this, there are inevitably tourists who look disappointed that there is nothing there. It's as if they expected to see rotting corpses, and screaming kilted Scotsmen running across the field. When I last visited Bannockburn some ten years back, there were markers on the field where the English and Scottish armies were positioned, but when I went there now, those markers were gone. It's just one big field and if you felt like it, you could run screaming across the field yourself and let your imagination do the rest. I'm sure the locals are well used to it by now.

In fact the only sign that the field is in fact an important area in Scottish history is the huge imposing monument of Robert the Bruce. This truly is a magnificent piece of art and I took lots of photos. The plaque underneath is especially revealing as to the psyche of the people that fought under Wallace and Bruce :

"We fight not for glory, nor for wealth
Nor honour but only and alone
We fight for freedom which no good man surrenders
But with his life"

After standing in the field for a while, we decided that was enough of Bannockburn and we moved onto our main objective - Stirling. In medieval Scotland, Stirling was probably one of the most important places in the whole of Scotland. It was said that whoever controlled Stirling Castle controlled a large part of Scotland and this is why William Wallace felt compelled to fight the English at the Battle of Stirling Bridge. For a long time, Stirling Castle was the home of the Scottish monarchy, until the Scottish King, James VI became James I, King of England, and subsequently moved to England. But before visiting Stirling Castle, we were going to visit another must-see attraction in Stirling - the Wallace Monument.

The Wallace Monument has been around since 1869 and was not, as many people think, built to commemorate the Braveheart movie! There was a huge resurgence of Scottish national identity and patriotism in the 19th century so some donors got together and decided to build something to remember William Wallace. But despite this, the monument also, I feel, commemorates Robert the Bruce, and also partly many other famous Scottish figures that have put Scotland on the map and in the history books. When Braveheart came out in 1995, a local man made a Mel Gibson statue and it now sits at the foot of the monument but there have apparently been many attempts by people to have the statue removed. They say that Wallace didn't look like Gibson (really??!!) and so the statue is historically an insult to Scotland. But the council has refused to move it and so the statue has been the target of countless vandalism incidents. According to the tour guide, we shouldn't talk about the statue to any local people because they will get "quite heated up". Coincidentally, Time magazine recently did a feature on the statue which I scanned and which you can download here (warning : it's a PDF file).

There are 264 steps in the Wallace Monument and we walked up every single one (no lifts!). There's two floors and then the top. The first floor holds William Wallace's 700 year old sword and also a recreation of his treason trial at Westminster Hall using waxwork dummies and actors voices. There are also information boards on the walls detailing Wallace's life and the wars in Scotland between Scotland and England.

The second floor has a room called "The Hall of Heroes" and holds many plaster busts and some beautiful stained glass windows of Wallace. The plaster busts are the heads of some of the famous people in Scottish history. As well as Wallace and Bruce, you also have people such as Robert Louis Stevenson (writer), Robert Burns (poet), James Watt (inventor of the steam engine) and many more. Looking around this room, you can see how much of an impact Scotland has had on the world and what kind of people Scotland has produced.

We then struggled our way to the very top where we could appreciate good views over Stirling and also to sit down on the benches and have a nice peaceful heart attack from all the exercise - because the bad part about going all the way up - is having to go all the way down again!

We finally got to the bottom and we made our way into the centre of Stirling by bus. Before going up to the castle however, we wanted to get some lunch and post off our postcards. So I had an Aberdeen Angus burger with cheese from Burger King (you won't find a burger like that in Germany!) and we visited the post office. Afterwards, we began our huge trek up to the castle.

Now there's a reason why castles were impreganable - because they were on the top of some very long steep hills! By this point, we were sore from all the walking up and down the Wallace Monument and I was stuffed with Aberdeen Angus burger with cheese. Add to that the fact there are no buses whatsoever to the Castle from the city centre so getting up to the castle was very strenuous! It took us the best part of 45 minutes to get to the top and by the end, I was begging to God for some rain to cool me down (typical! the one day in the week that I want rain but none comes!).

I was actually quite disappointed with the castle because they are doing extensive renovations inside but didn't tell us when we paid a small fortune to get inside. So most rooms had scaffolding and repairs going on, some other rooms were not available to the public......but we did get to see some other rooms. The highlight was the Great Hall which for the first time in hundreds of years is being re-built to the way it used to be. The original Great Hall was built by King James IV for people to be received by the Scottish monarch but when James VI went off to England and Stirling Castle fell into disuse, the castle was then occupied by the army and the Great Hall ended up as horse's stables and a barracks no less! When the army left the castle in the mid 1960's, plans were discussed to recreate the Great Hall but were only recently started (another point of controversy which I won't get into).

The Castle is also the regimental museum of the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders Regiment (the regiment that occupied the castle for so long before leaving). They were selling a beautiful painting which i was sorely tempted to buy but in the end, decided to pass on it.

Some of the other rooms were potentially interesting but the scaffolding and repairs ruined it for me. For example, there was the King's Bedroom and the Queen's Bedroom but both were empty shells of rooms. I had half a mind to ask for my money back.

Before leaving, I took a photo of the cannons at the castle wall. Deep down at heart, I am still a little boy in love with guns and cannons! ;-)

Then we had to leave to catch our bus back home but not before I snapped a photo of Robert the Bruce, another statue of him outside the castle walls.

As we made our way home for dinner and to pack our bags, we both realised that our time in Scotland was drawing to an end again and that tomorrow we would be heading back to Germany. Would it be an easy journey or a stressful one? We were soon to find out.....

Stardate Wednesday 25 April 2007. Captain's Personal Log. We have decided to navigate our way back to the region of Scotland known as Edinburgh. This will be our last visit to the area as tomorrow we are off to Stirling and Friday we are back to Germany. So today we have to buy the rest of our presents for people as well as take a last look at Scotland's capital city.....

Stardate Tuesday 24 April 2007. Captains personal log. Once again, I am up at 7.00am. I'm not sure what's going on here. Is it just Tanya's King-Kong earth-shattering snoring that is keeping me awake, is it the weird bed I am sleeping in or is it the weird dreams I am having every night? Or perhaps all three combined? Last night, I dreamt that Anthony Hopkins was stalking me with red roses and wine and telling Monika that it was a "nice Chianti" (Silence of the Lambs fans will understand the connection!).

Today was pre-arranged long ago as "meeting the grandparents" day. My grandparents, who are in their 80's, are quite frail now and were unable to come through to see me themselves. So today it was time to get on the train to see them in their hometown. Their hometown used to be my hometown (probably something else Bruce Springsteen said!) when I was very young (I left when I was 9 years old). The town used to be very prosperous when they had the coalmines and the heavy industries but times have changed and now there's no more mining and the heavy industries are falling on hard times. This means the area is suffering from heavy unemployment and all the young people are leaving in droves. The town has become an old people's kind of place but it will always have a special place in my heart for being the town I spent my first nine years in.

We went over to them using the Forth Rail Bridge. This bridge is very famous all across the world for being an engineering miracle in its day. These days, it costs a fortune for the rail company to keep it renovated and working and Monika was extremely nervous when the train was going across it. But I believe that going across the Forth Rail Bridge is a tradition in itself when you're in Scotland. You can't boast to me about being in Scotland if you didn't go across the bridge!!

We met my grandparents for lunch where they had their old-age person's discount lunch! The food was not bad actually but I think eating that piece of double chocolate fudge cake was a serious mistake on my part! This was one time when my eyes truly were bigger than my stomach! I also gave my grandad his German brandy, German curry ketchup and stamps which we always bring over for him. His eyes lit up when he saw his things - like a little boy on Christmas Day who sees his presents under the tree.

After lunch, we headed back to their house for a cup of tea and after a while, we left them alone as they looked tired. Monika and I went down to the shops in the town where I briefly contemplated buying more books and Monika more than briefly contemplated more cosmetics.

We also walked along the beach where Monika went sea-shell hunting (although I warned her that she had more chance of finding raw sewage and used beer cans!)

We finally went back home and had dinner then we had a few drinks with my parents before collapsing into bed. As I fall into my slumber, I realise that there is only two more full days to go before we head back to Germany. Time sure is going fast......

Holiday Diary Part Two


Stardate Monday 23 April 2007. Captain's personal log. I woke up early at around 6.00am, going crazy at Tanya's cannon-roaring snoring in the hallway. God, that dog can sure snore AND growl at the same time! I finally stagger out of bed, shocked that I am conscious at such an early time in the morning. If I was back in Germany, I would be in cloud cuckoo land by now......

Today is "going into Edinburgh" day, to look at the shops and maybe buy some souvenirs for people. But a deadly unspeakable curse hangs over us whenever we venture into Edinburgh - it's called "The Rain Curse". Everytime we go into Edinburgh, it starts to rain heavily. Will it happen again? I look out of the window nervously and I am relieved to see sun. Maybe the curse has finally been defeated? I can only hope!

We're finally ready to go into Edinburgh and before we leave, Monika asks the big question : "should we take an umberella?". Then to tempt fate even further, she adds "well, you know what the weather can be like here!". I look out of the window again with dread but again I see only sun. Feeling relieved, I am still nervous of something happening so when I think the weather isn't looking, I stuff a small travel umberella into my backpack. Best to be prepared!

45 minutes later, we are in Edinburgh after a bus ride and so far everything is looking good. Still sun, no rain. Some of the passengers have even started to take off their rainjackets and they are starting to think about perhaps going really crazy by also putting on a pair of sunglasses. I begin to think there may be a God after all. We get off the bus in the main shopping street, Princes Street and then it happens - it starts raining. Did you hear someone howling last Monday? Perhaps a little scream added in? That was me, cursing God and summoning the devil. As I am standing there in the middle of a downpour, I see everyone taking off their sunglasses again and putting their rainjackets back on. God, I'm so miserable! Then I discover that I forgot to bring along the camera and now I am even more annoyed!

We spent the entire day blowing our entire budget and then some. Monika went into the Disney shop and reverted back to a ten year old girl again with lots of "ooohhs" and "aaahhs". I was the perfect gentleman by buying her a Winnie the Pooh cushion (it was discounted!). We also raided the Marks and Spencers sandwiches, which for those who don't know M & S, are simply wonderful. Expensive but well worth it. Yum.

We finally decided that pneumonia wasn't our idea of fun so we went back home, dripping wet like a fish out of water. I then spent the next couple of hours drying off before we both decided to go to the cinema to see the new Anthony Hopkins movie, "Fracture". I wasn't expecting anything wonderful to come from this film but by the end, I found myself pleasantly surprised. The film centres around Anthony Hopkins' character who murders his wife when he discovers that she is having an affair with a police detective. Even though he readily confesses to the crime, he has absolutely no intention of going to prison for it. Instead we see him manipulating the system to weaken the case against him and we gradually discover how much planning and thought he put into a shooting that initially seemed to be random and spontaneous.

The prosecutor (played by Gosling) is an arrogant and cocky assistant DA who thinks that because he has a confession that the whole thing is locked down and secure. But he has severely underestimated Hopkins and step by step, Gosling gets his legs cut out from under him. This is an enjoyable movie and Hopkins is just fantastic.

Oh and the popcorn wasn't bad either.

Captain's personal log. Woke up with dog hair in my mouth. My mum assures me that I will get used to it eventually.

Being Sunday, we slept until late morning and then had a late breakfast of sliced sausage, eggs, baked beans and toast (a good British breakfast!). Spoiled slightly by the highly excitable dog next to me with tennis laces for saliva, handing me her paw as if to say "look! I'm a talented dog who gives people her paw! Now give me some sausage!"). She reminds me of that dog in that Tom Hanks movie - Turner and Hooch? My dad says that Tanya's affections are "cupboard love" (i.e. if you feed her, she'll love you forever). I can quite believe it.

My parents decided to drive us around Edinburgh and show us how the city was right now. So much has changed in Edinburgh. All my old haunts have been knocked down! The huge building where I used to work is gone, new buildings have sprung up suddenly. Hell, even the shop where I used to buy my Walkers cheese and onion crisps is gone! I feel like a strange man in a strange land (did Bruce Springsteen say that once? Get my guitar!). Even the cinema where I got jumped on by Suzie back in 1999 has closed down.....

We went down to a new shopping centre on the Edinburgh coastline where we had Starbucks drinks and I went on an orgasmic spending spree in the bookshop ("THOUSANDS OF ENGLISH BOOKS!!! YIPPEE!!"). Then back home to slob out and read. Our day trips start tomorrow. Today is Sunday and so today is Slob-Out Day!

But before we could really slob out, it was time to go out for dinner and meet my aunts and uncles (two of each). We ended up at an Italian restaurant called Frankies and Bennys which was actually not bad (even if the music was a little bit tacky). The food was excellent and my aunt was horrified that I was eating a fried egg pizza! If you are ever in the restaurant, the garlic bread is to die for.....

Holiday Diary Part One

Stardate 21 April 2007. Captain's personal log. After a year of constant invitations by a race of people known as "the parents", we have decided to spend a week exploring a region of the galaxy known as "Scotland". It is a curious area - full of "aye!" and "laddie!" and other such strange dialects and customs such as deep-frying Mars Bars. Morale is high, especially as we may encounter something called "Tetleys teabags" and "Walkers Cheese and Onion crisps". Phasers on stun, let's go people!

We made it to Frankfurt airport easily enough. Being Saturday, we ran into the football fans making their way from Frankfurt to Wiesbaden so the underground train to the airport was full of football strips and lager louts which reminded me a lot of times when I would walk right into the Celtic or Rangers crowd coming out of the stadium looking for a drink and a fight! After checking in with our suitcases, we got my grandad's German brandy and my brother's cigarettes from the duty-free shop, ate an over-priced mozzarella cheese sandwich then finally headed for the plane, trying really hard not to look like a terrorist (last time I was stopped and body-searched - thoroughly!). Security was a pain in the neck - our bottles of coca-cola were thrown in the bin (due to the restriction on bringing liquids onto the plane) and the security officer was examining my iPod - "hah! You have ABBA!"

We were flying by Lufthansa so it was typical German efficiency all the way. At all times we knew how high we were flying, meals were handed out immediately and the stewardesses made sure we all knew the safety rules and how to put our lifejackets on!! ("Stop reading your magazine and watch the procedure!"). It unnerved me slightly that I was right next to the emergency exit - I thought "if this plane goes down, I'll get sucked out first!". I am not the best of flyers so when in a plane, all the plane disaster movies come to my mind. On this flight, all I could think about was Leslie Nielson in "Airplane!" - "don't call me Shirley!". After one hour and 45 minutes of chewing my nails to the bone ("Stewardess, the wing moved! AAAGGHH!"), the plane made a bumpy landing at Edinburgh Airport (cue Scottish bagpipe music!).

Emerging through passport control, we encountered two Dirty Harry-looking police officers in bullet-proof vests, carrying machine guns. My first thought was "hell, they're still after me for that unpaid property tax seven years ago?!". Then I realised that the show of force was to persuade any suicidal Al-Queda operatives that may be standing in the line that Scotland was tough and that they would repel all attackers. We whumped the English at Stirling Bridge and Bannockburn so Bin Laden and his goons? Nae problem laddie.

My parents were waiting for us at the airport and on the way to their house, we went by the chip shop for a great British dinner - fish and chips wrapped in newspaper! Well, Monika had fish and I had sausages. I am not a 100% Scotsman.....! Finally, after a bath of saliva from Tanya the dog, we headed for bed covered in dog hair.....aaah, it's good to be back!

3.30am - woke up from a strange dream where I imagined that I was a tough police officer chasing down Robbie Williams who was a serial killer. He was killing everyone who didn't like his latest album. It was then that I heard a strange noise in the hallway. Was it a burglar? Perhaps an earthquake? Nope, it's only Tanya the dog snoring!

4.30am - <SNORE!> Shut up Tanya!

In about a hour, we will be leaving to catch our train to Frankfurt and from there, a plane to Scotland for our annual holiday. We'll be back on Friday so that means 5 full days of Scotland - drinking Irn Bru and walking around kilt shops!

I will attempt to keep some sort of holiday diary while I am away so watch this space for my new holiday diary - "Scotland - The Final Frontier".

Steve Rubel has delivered the goods once again. After the sensational two part guide on making Gmail your personal nerve center (part one and part two), he has now come up with part three. This part is not as useful to me as the previous posts but it is still essential reading for anyone with a busy stressful office-based life. That isn't my life so most of these excellent suggestions are of no practical use to me.

It's amazing how many uses you can find for Gmail if you think hard enough.

One of the best ever TV shows has to be "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" and the best feature is by far "The Hoedown" where contestants have to make up spontaneous songs on subjects suggested by the audience. The following clips are two classics I found on YouTube. This is my kind of humour!!!

As you may or may not have remembered, yesterday was April Fool's Day. Google has had a history of celebrating April Fool's Day with elaborate hoaxes and this year was no different.

This year, they did two gags. One was Google TiSP where you can get free broadband internet service by feeding your fiber-optic internet cable down the toilet bowl. The other was Gmail Paper where you can request free paper copies of all your emails from Google.

I personally did no jokes this year as I was uninspired humour-wise. Obviously Google doesn't have that problem! You can see a brief history (with links) of Google's past April Fool's jokes here. I personally like the "Google Gulp" one.