I've basically been limping along this week with no clear purpose in mind and not much has been done. The epilepsy has calmed down for the moment but the depression has come back for a repeat visit. Whenever someone asks me what it is like to have depression, I tell them to imagine their most hated relative coming to visit uninvited. They come into your house, take over the whole place, start criticising you, they start to take charge of every aspect of your life....then when they are becoming truly obnoxious, you start to wonder when they're leaving but you haven't got the guts to ask. Then suddenly one morning they're gone and you have peace and solitude again. A few days later, they return and it all starts again....
For me, the "relative" is the depression.
But I can be thankful that I can still work to a certain degree. I got some new writing assignments this week and I managed to get them done and sent back fairly quickly and the pay wasn't bad either for the time I put into the work. Even in the worst of the depression, the writing skills don't seem to leave. In fact, the writing skills become more honed and clearly defined. My fingers move faster across the keys and thoughts race through my head. I can sometimes say that a depressive episode is one of my most creative moments. The bad part is finding the energy to stop hiding under the bedcovers and do some work. But that area is slowly improving too these days. I am finding it a little easier to motivate myself.
I was reading a book about depression, The Lost Soul Companion, in which it said that a lot of creative people suffered from depression and it speculated that the reason for the depression was that the person had a creative bent to their personality and it is the creative DNA makeup of the person that somehow triggers depression. Perhaps it is the numerous rejections that creative people get (I can relate to that), or society looking down their noses at the person's "alternative lifestyle" or family harassing them to "get a proper job". Or perhaps the depression person feels that their creative talents are not properly recognised and appreciated by the rest of the world? I don't know if all of that is 100% true but you have to admit that an inordinately high number of writers, poets, artists, playwrights, etc, have suffered from depression. Just look at Vincent Van Gogh - all that talent, all that work that he did (which I love looking at) and in the end, he shot himself. Or if you want a more modern-day example, take Sylvia Plath or Virginia Woolf. All committed suicide and passed before their time on earth was properly up. Reason : depression.
Now that's not to say that ALL depressed people are suicidal - I'm not. I just have my shitty days and I get through them by closing down the hatches and escaping to bed with a few good books and the TV remote control. Then on my good days, I work at full speed and get through my work backlog. That's all I can do. Medication is spotty at best and the doctors have basically told me this is the best it's going to get. But some depressed people can't cope at all and in the end it all gets too much for them so they go searching for a release or a way out. I thank my blessings that I am not at that extreme stage of things. At least I can still function properly, work and be productive.
German people here seem to be fascinated by the current saga about Tony Blair - the "will he resign or won't he?" fiasco. I've had German friends quiz me relentlessly on the ins and outs and who the possible contenders will be and why Blair has to resign anyway and so on. In the almost 6 years I have lived in Würzburg, this is the most interest I have seen in British politics from a German. Today I had a shopkeeper quiz me on it while I was buying a baguette. And to answer the one question every German has asked me - NO, I don't want Gordon Brown to be the new Prime Minister. Yes, he's Scottish but that doesn't guarantee my immediate support. I firmly believe that if Brown wants the job he has to fight for it. There should be no coronation, no ass kissing....there has to be a debate on the issues, other people have to be allowed to compete for the job and may the best man (or woman) win.
Even though I am a conservative, I am still attracted to the idea of another Scotsman, John Reid, winning the Labour Party leadership and therefore Downing Street. Reid is the Home Secretary but he has been in lots of other government departments such as Northern Ireland and Health. He's what you would call the Party's "thug". If you want a no-nonsense sharp intelligent "takes no crap" kind of guy to stick up for the government, send in John Reid. He eats journalists for breakfast and has the look of a bulldog, bearing its fangs ready to attack. If Tony Blair looks like the cover model for "Pretty Boys Monthly", Reid is the cover model for "Brutes United!". A Prime Minister Reid would sit very well with me actually. I abhor Blair and everything he stands for but I wouldn't be so averse to John Reid claiming the crown. He wouldn't cozy up to Bush like Blair has done. I really believe that Reid would speak his mind and that is something we sorely need in the US-British relationship.
The problem with Brown is that nothing would change. Foreign policy would remain the same for starters and Brown supports many of Blair's other policies. The only thing that would change would be the style and substance of a Brown administration. Less flashy git and more dour Scotsman!
Labels: blair, depression, politics |
