Moving away for a moment from computer-related issues, I wanted to share a couple of classic Scottish songs with you, courtesy of YouTube users with a good taste in music (!). The first one is Dougie McLean's "Caledonia" and the second is The Corries' "Flower of Scotland" (watch out for the matching yellow shirts and tasteful black leather vests!) :

Politics seems to be taking a bit of an outlandish unreal slant at the moment. Dour Scotsman Gordon Brown, who has as much charisma as my garden gnome, has launched his campaign to be the next British Prime Minister (is it just me or does Mrs Brown look a bit tarty in her chosen attire?). I don't know why Gordy is bothering - no-one serious intends to challenge him (only a couple of loony left-wingers who have as much chance of winning as I do) and so King Gordon is 99.99% certain to get the job on June 27th. So why not just cut all the nonsense, such as "democracy" and just coronate him now? Why bother with something as trivial as a leadership election? I got a huge laugh the other day when they screwed up his speech where he announced he was running for the leadership. They placed the teleprompter in front of the television cameras so the end result was that no-one could see Brown's face. This guy wants to run the country but he can't even get his team together for a successful press conference?

If Brown becoming the next Prime Minister wasn't bad enough for British politics, I then read that Alex Salmond is on course to be the next Scottish First Minister after he made a deal with the Greens. Bloody Greens, they always bring the loonies into power by the back door! I also read though that King Gordon of Downing-Street-Land is said to be rather lukewarm about the idea of Scottish independence and he has been making a few thinly veiled threats to Nutter Salmond. So in that respect, Gordon may not be so bad after all......anyone that puts Nutter Salmond back into the cupboard is good enough for me.

Across the pond, Toby Harndon of the Daily Telegraph opines that a campaign is being quietly set up to allow New York mayor Michael Bloomberg to run for the US presidency in 2008. Although if the blog reader comments are anything to go by, Bloomberg doesn't have a chance in hell.

Captain's personal log. Woke up with dog hair in my mouth. My mum assures me that I will get used to it eventually.

Being Sunday, we slept until late morning and then had a late breakfast of sliced sausage, eggs, baked beans and toast (a good British breakfast!). Spoiled slightly by the highly excitable dog next to me with tennis laces for saliva, handing me her paw as if to say "look! I'm a talented dog who gives people her paw! Now give me some sausage!"). She reminds me of that dog in that Tom Hanks movie - Turner and Hooch? My dad says that Tanya's affections are "cupboard love" (i.e. if you feed her, she'll love you forever). I can quite believe it.

My parents decided to drive us around Edinburgh and show us how the city was right now. So much has changed in Edinburgh. All my old haunts have been knocked down! The huge building where I used to work is gone, new buildings have sprung up suddenly. Hell, even the shop where I used to buy my Walkers cheese and onion crisps is gone! I feel like a strange man in a strange land (did Bruce Springsteen say that once? Get my guitar!). Even the cinema where I got jumped on by Suzie back in 1999 has closed down.....

We went down to a new shopping centre on the Edinburgh coastline where we had Starbucks drinks and I went on an orgasmic spending spree in the bookshop ("THOUSANDS OF ENGLISH BOOKS!!! YIPPEE!!"). Then back home to slob out and read. Our day trips start tomorrow. Today is Sunday and so today is Slob-Out Day!

But before we could really slob out, it was time to go out for dinner and meet my aunts and uncles (two of each). We ended up at an Italian restaurant called Frankies and Bennys which was actually not bad (even if the music was a little bit tacky). The food was excellent and my aunt was horrified that I was eating a fried egg pizza! If you are ever in the restaurant, the garlic bread is to die for.....

Holiday Diary Part One

Stardate 21 April 2007. Captain's personal log. After a year of constant invitations by a race of people known as "the parents", we have decided to spend a week exploring a region of the galaxy known as "Scotland". It is a curious area - full of "aye!" and "laddie!" and other such strange dialects and customs such as deep-frying Mars Bars. Morale is high, especially as we may encounter something called "Tetleys teabags" and "Walkers Cheese and Onion crisps". Phasers on stun, let's go people!

We made it to Frankfurt airport easily enough. Being Saturday, we ran into the football fans making their way from Frankfurt to Wiesbaden so the underground train to the airport was full of football strips and lager louts which reminded me a lot of times when I would walk right into the Celtic or Rangers crowd coming out of the stadium looking for a drink and a fight! After checking in with our suitcases, we got my grandad's German brandy and my brother's cigarettes from the duty-free shop, ate an over-priced mozzarella cheese sandwich then finally headed for the plane, trying really hard not to look like a terrorist (last time I was stopped and body-searched - thoroughly!). Security was a pain in the neck - our bottles of coca-cola were thrown in the bin (due to the restriction on bringing liquids onto the plane) and the security officer was examining my iPod - "hah! You have ABBA!"

We were flying by Lufthansa so it was typical German efficiency all the way. At all times we knew how high we were flying, meals were handed out immediately and the stewardesses made sure we all knew the safety rules and how to put our lifejackets on!! ("Stop reading your magazine and watch the procedure!"). It unnerved me slightly that I was right next to the emergency exit - I thought "if this plane goes down, I'll get sucked out first!". I am not the best of flyers so when in a plane, all the plane disaster movies come to my mind. On this flight, all I could think about was Leslie Nielson in "Airplane!" - "don't call me Shirley!". After one hour and 45 minutes of chewing my nails to the bone ("Stewardess, the wing moved! AAAGGHH!"), the plane made a bumpy landing at Edinburgh Airport (cue Scottish bagpipe music!).

Emerging through passport control, we encountered two Dirty Harry-looking police officers in bullet-proof vests, carrying machine guns. My first thought was "hell, they're still after me for that unpaid property tax seven years ago?!". Then I realised that the show of force was to persuade any suicidal Al-Queda operatives that may be standing in the line that Scotland was tough and that they would repel all attackers. We whumped the English at Stirling Bridge and Bannockburn so Bin Laden and his goons? Nae problem laddie.

My parents were waiting for us at the airport and on the way to their house, we went by the chip shop for a great British dinner - fish and chips wrapped in newspaper! Well, Monika had fish and I had sausages. I am not a 100% Scotsman.....! Finally, after a bath of saliva from Tanya the dog, we headed for bed covered in dog hair.....aaah, it's good to be back!

3.30am - woke up from a strange dream where I imagined that I was a tough police officer chasing down Robbie Williams who was a serial killer. He was killing everyone who didn't like his latest album. It was then that I heard a strange noise in the hallway. Was it a burglar? Perhaps an earthquake? Nope, it's only Tanya the dog snoring!

4.30am - <SNORE!> Shut up Tanya!

In about a hour, we will be leaving to catch our train to Frankfurt and from there, a plane to Scotland for our annual holiday. We'll be back on Friday so that means 5 full days of Scotland - drinking Irn Bru and walking around kilt shops!

I will attempt to keep some sort of holiday diary while I am away so watch this space for my new holiday diary - "Scotland - The Final Frontier".